Walmart Dating Theory Revisited

In the spirit of the holidays, I have started contemplating something new:

Black Friday.

According to my Walmart Dating Theory, if you go into the store looking for something particular/ look for a boyfriend there is nothing to be found. However, if you walk into the store blindly/ aren't looking for anything, suddenly there is a whole world of options.

I forgot about Black Friday, how un-American of me! The American Dream of shopping. The apocalypse of store lines.



Here goes:
 The Black Friday Walmart Dating Theory:

The moment when everyone is looking for a fling/ relationship. Suddenly, everyone is shopping for some sort of deal at Walmart. Pandaemonium. People end up finding almost the exact thing that they want, and often end up returning what they bought a week or two later. Some people actually get something worthwhile, but they are few and far between.

Don't forget a healthy sense of competition! People fight over specific products/ people and everyone leaves a little disgruntled.

 However, in the spirit of the Holidays, whether you get a boyfriend/ girlfriend or a Walmart toaster, your extended family will show their disappointment for your newest selection over the Christmas dinner table.

*pics found on google...



As much as I joke about such theories, sometimes I get freaked out when my ideas come to fruition. As it turned out in my own experience, when I wasn't looking, I stumbled across something at Walmart.

Totally got that shirt at Walmart. And the other part of the theory worked out too.

Thank God for Fox News

If it weren't for Fox news, I would never have realized how much I have done to personally sabotage my own happiness. Suzanne Venker's article, "The War on Men" has made me realize the error of my ways. As she eloquently describes, feminism isn't the reaction to or female defense of the war on women, but rather a war on men.

Look at that poor man under attack...

The reason that there are no "marriage-worthy" men is due to the fact that women are no longer women. My god, if I had known this before, I wouldn't have wasted my university scholarship money on my studies; I would have got the boob job that will make me a REAL woman. I can't cook, so I should at least be pretty.  How dare I refuse to let a man use his DNA coded drive to protect me by getting a job and being financially independent?

I am so glad that Fox news took the time to remind me that any gender inequality that I experience is my fault. And, to think, I could have blamed sexist lawmakers who innocently put women in binders! Guess I'm never getting married.

But... there is hope. I can "surrender to my nature" as the article recommends and attract marriage-worthy men. I have never felt more attractive then when I am wearing high heels, a poodle skirt, and a low-cut blouse in the kitchen. While cooking, of course. Perhaps I should just cook naked, so as to be as close to my nature as possible. That way I can't let my ideals or clothes get in the way of me and my man... and second degree burns.

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/11/24/war-on-men/

Feline Viscously Attacks Turtle

Me? A predator? Never

ERHMAGERD TERTELLLL

Turtle's going doooooowwwwnnnn.

Die turtle, die!

nom nom nom

mmmmmm turtle

Gleefully thanking the gods for letting her attack a turtle.

Attempting to Look Innocent. As if.

Stalking her prey.

Fourteen Year Old Girls with Debit Cards

Going to the mall can be terrifying. Finding a parking space within three months of Christmas is about as easy as telling a five year old that they cannot have the stuffed pig toy that they want. You run the risk of running into old classmates and holding awkward conversations about what you have been doing since high school. You are constantly bombarded with sales fliers and/or waiting in line. Going to the mall is pretty scary. But I have noticed a new, and even more frightening, phenomena: 14 year old girls with debit cards.

Why?

The idea of giving a pubescent girl a card with which she can drain a bank account... wow.

When I was fourteen I had an allowance that I used to buy music, clothes, books, movies, and anything else that came to mind. The beauty of an allowance was that it was far from bottomless. I had a certain amount of cash and when it was gone, it was gone.

I worked at a young women's clothing store last Christmas. I got to work at the checkout counter and had the (pleasure?) of ringing up young teen girls' mini skirts, bras, high heels, etc. It's great for business- giving young girls debit cards. However, to me, it's terrifying. I don't want to see a fourteen year old girl spend Daddy or Mommy's money on five pairs of shoes. No knowledge of prices. No understanding of how to handle money.

When I was fourteen I had a few crushes, a huge desire to learn to drive a car, a small allowance, and a lot of fun.

Also, I have seen the clothes that many of these girls get with their debit cards. Perhaps they will learn how to handle money once they start earning it off of street corners...


Ok. I'm done bitching about that now. I'm going to have more mashed potatoes. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.

Things That Make Me Feel Old

1. My second graders guessed that I was 23, although a few of them guessed upwards of 30.

2. High school classmates of mine are getting married.

3. I haven't really asked a parent for permission to do anything in years.

4. Other high school classmates of mine are parents. Or soon will be.

5. Not a part of the youngest generation anymore. Damn Generation Z!

6. If this were a century ago, I would have been married for years with a few kids by now.

7. I remember life before the internet.

8. I pressed the 'rewind VHS button' more times than I can say

9. I know what a Giga-Pet is.

10. My friends and I never played with vampire barbies. We had a few career barbies though.

11. I remember airport security before 9/11/01

12. Kids that I babysat are learning to drive- *God save us all*

13. I wore a jumper to elementary school. It was cool.

14. I remember when President George W. Bush was elected.

15. My parents were a few years older than me when they got married...

What I Lose as a Result of the Election

1. I don't get to say "President Romney." How will I ever survive?

2. I don't get to time-travel back to the 1950's. I would look great in a poodle skirt...

3. Now I have to make all of the decisions about my reproductive rights. Am I really capable of making those decisions all by myself?

4. I don't get to play the "sore loser" role.

5. I no longer have an excuse to move to Canada, Norway, or Spain. At least, no political ones.

6. I have to hear about President Obama's love of education... the horror!

7. I have to figure out what to do with the extra money that I have as a result of birth control subsidies...

8. I don't get to explain to international friends the benefits of having a Mormon president, who lets his views influence politics.

9. Gay marriage is recognized in even more states. That means that I have to figure out more wedding presents for friends of mine.

Oops

Oops. I haven't posted in a while. Things I can blame:

1. Homework- *buries head in sand*

2. Midterms- Grrrrrrrrr

3. Sleep- I just like it too much.

4. Business-  hehe.

5. Myself


Good Things:

President Obama won!!!!!!!!
- now I don't have to leave the country.


Random critiques of things in general:

- Must girls run screaming through dorm hallways at 3am? I'm tempted to set bear traps.
- I can't cook. Damn.


Tentative Life Plans-

1. Be a professor.
2. Join the circus.
3. Marry rich.
4. Prostitution
5. Re-think.